Betrayed

Wow some people i thought were my friends arent i guess. that hurt alot just saying you can leave me along now. because that wasnt cool at all.

the beginning

Today Justin left for North Dakota! :( he will be gone for 6 months. He'll pretty much come home every weekend but I still hate it alot!!

AH!

My baby boy is one :) I seriously can't believe it

It seems literally like yesterday that I had him.

These are his pictures of his first year :)

AUGUST 2010

The first time seeing him was amazing. It took my breath

away and I loved him more than I could ever imagine!

September 2010

This is Trace's baby blessing :) he was so cute in his little tux

First smile <3

October 2010

November 2010

December 2010

January 2011

February 2011

March 2011

April 2011

May 2011

June 2011

July 2011

August 2011

Oh my, this first year was an amazing whirl wind of

a year. He's an amazing baby boy. He has taught me how to

truly love someone. He hold my whole heart.

I love him so much, I have spent the year watching him

learn and grown things. Leaning new words like puppy and

'umpa. He makes me laugh, I love waking up to him every morning

and seeing his amazing smile. He's simply amazing. My whole life

is this little boy. Happy Birthday my little man.

You have now lived a year old.

:)

So life is pretty great even though I am broke. I recently met Justin, he's a great guy he's in the national guard. :) Trace is now 1 its crazy how he's a year already! Justin and I took trace to the rec center but then he couldn't swim because I only brought one swimmer diaper and he pooped in that one so he didn't get to go swimming. But it was pretty fun! I am quite excited for trace's birthday party next weekend!! and its UBIC this weekend, Trace won the baby show in his age division so he has to be in the parade :) ah everything is great :)

update :)

This weekend was Trace's first 24th of july weekend!!! This is trace during the parade :)

He loves fire works!! I don't know if you can see it but this is a picture of trace watching the fire works :)

ug...

I hate that i lost not just travis but his whole family i miss them all so very much i miss kisses from gavin :) and watching ayden and trace fight over things. I miss having conversations with his mom on her bed. I just miss them all ug.....but most of all i miss him :(

so...

My baby is almost one!! i cant believe it, it seems litterally like yesterday that i had him. its so crazy his birthday photoshoot is on the 20th it should be tons of fun!! i'm super excited

I have been wantting to get more DIYey lol so i have been looking around blogs for ideas for christmas and lexi's mission i'm super excited to start doing and making things for family and friends most of all i'm excited for alexis. not only because she's going to be getting some awesome presents from me and trace but because she's going on her mission. she is doing her dream and i'm so excited for her!! and she is going to love to get packages and mail from me and tracer mainly about trace :) So sister get ready because its going to be AMAZING!! i love you :)

Bla Bla Bla Bla

Today was such a good day :) i love competition and subway is having a contest to see which day can sell the most and increase sales for the day from the previous week. I love contests :) last week i was in the crew that did the increases sales :) I want to this week also.

So it might sound pathetic but i feel little hope just a glimmer of light that maybe me and Trav will get back together. I wish it were true lol I don't know about it though. I know that it sucks. lol

I know that I can handle being a friend i guess i have not other choice huh?

But I am going to give up searching. I officially quit looking. I will live my life for me and me alone i will no longer be trying to look I am living my life for me and my son without. till the day comes that you find me

special

I used to think i was special. that i could be someones everything. that i could always have a person to turn to. I used to think that i wasnt easy to throw away. but i guess i was wrong.

gr

so i take off Wednesdays to be with travis because he usually has them off. but now that we're not together i have nothing to on this Wednesday i have off. i hate it so very much. i hate that i want to pick up the phone and text him and hear his ring tone as he texts me back i hate that i have nothing to do on Wednesdays :( I hate that I not only lost him i lost his whole family oh how i love his family. i hate that trace is loosing that person who was consistently there for him. I vow that till i have dated the guy atleast 5 months they will not meet trace i cant do this again i cant have him confused like this again. i hate this

well this sucks

It's official today has sucked enormously bad!! I got dumped and I miss my best friend so terribly much that is all!

Step 1---Admit you have a problem

Hello my name is Lynnzie, and I'm addicted to jewelry especially a really cute pair of earrings!!!

I am so in love with earrings that I had to buy one of these!! and guess what??? It's almost full!! BAH I don't know what I'm going to do when it is all full!!

Venting Galore!!

OOOOO today I have been so pissed. Cj is being a selfish son of a bitch!! He is choosing to not come to Trace's only first birthday party because he my family doesn't like him. He is constantly saying that he hates missing his firsts but he is willing to miss his biggest first of all!! UGGG he irritates me so bad!! He says he wants to be there for Trace and be his dad but he won't put the effort in he won't try!! GRRR i'm so very pissed off!! Sorry for everyone that is reading this I just need to vent alot because it's not like anyone ever reads this but I would like to think that someone reads this.

Lights oh the Lights

Oh dear heavens, today was a good day :) happy 4th of July everyone :). Although it was my babies last first holiday till his first birthday it was a great and magical day, I do believe. I went over to Travis' house it was pretty much really fun we lit off fireworks Ayden did not like them one bit. My mom wanted to watch Trace so we're going to light off more fireworks tomorrow night so he can watch. But life feels so perfect so amazing right now. Everything has fallen into place I love it so very much. I love the feeling of having Travis wrap his arms around my waist when I'm doing dishes, I love hearing Trace's laugh, watching him grow up has to be one of the best things that I can ever experience! I love them both so very much. I can't tell you how happy I am with life. It feels so right so perfect.

Next weekend Trav's got a wedding that we're planning on going to Aunt Alexis is watching Trace. I bet she is super excited :). I am so excited to see her it feels like it has been forever and a day since I last saw her. I am super excited to spend the weekend with Travis, Lys and Mike. :) I hope it is as fun as I am wanting it to be :)

worthless

This weekend Travis' ex girlfriend/the mother of his son came out to talk to travis about the custody stuff and all that jazz. It officially sucked crazy bad!! I was walking on glass this whole weekend. Travis was angry and irritated and treated me like poop. But through all of that I still stuck around because I knew he needed me. I wish he would of treated me better but I know that he is going through a lot right now so I am trying my hardest to be understanding. So this weekend I was the one sitting in the corner trying to mind my own business and bite my tongue, for Travis. I was looked over, glared at, neglected, and pretty much all around hurt. I officially hate this weekend it was one of the worst weekends I have had in awhile. I wish Trav would understand why I was feeling that way, why I was so hurt about it all. But now we just had a fight over snuff. He is starting to take it because of his headaches. I can't tell you how much it hurt that I asked him so many times not to and he still did. So I asked him to choose between me and snuff and he called me stupid for doing it. Its important to me that Trace has good role models in his life so I asked him not to because Trace I can tell already looks up to him. I hate that its stupid to him that I want him to be a role model to Trace, so I ask him to stop. And on top of everything else my mom was mad at me this whole weekend because I slept over at Travis' because he asked me to because he didn't want her coming over in the middle of the night and she got mad at me. :(

I hate the feeling of being constantly lonely. I went from having my best friend always there for me no matter what to no one. I hate it. It hurts so very badly, I wish I had friends that I could just call up and spend hours talking like I could with him. I hate this feeling. i am so very lonely like extremely, I don't know what to do anymore.

Life in general

We have gotten a new puppy her name is daisy

she loves me!! lol

well technically she's Tracer's dog lol

BUT

Trace just pushes her away because she licks

his face alot lol.

Here is a link

Anxiety and Stress

As the days count down

3

2

1

School is fast approaching, my anxiety and stress level

keep going up and up and up.

I am so behind on electronic schooling. I have

2 quarters of Algebra

1 quarter of English 12

2 quarters of History of the World

1 quarter of History of America

and possibly more.

But I have 3 days to finish this all.

I hate it so very much.

Baby Jax

One of my friends had a beautiful baby boy tonight.

Welcome to the world

Jaxton Lynn Walker!!!

He was born with head bleeding and was life flighted out

to University of Utah hospital today.

She is asking everyone to pray for Jax.

Random Thoughts

So I'm going to take a little break from my letters. Now I am going to do my just think on my blog. I am now going to turn it into my journal, not only because I suck at keeping a routine but also that I lost all my old journals.

I wish I had more energy, like my mom for example. She's is super mom! She does everything she can do for us. She is always there! I wish I could be a super mom like her :).

I go back to school soon, I am so scared to go back! I only really have about 2 friends that go to Union. It scares me to death to think that I might sit alone at lunch and be stared at. I hate being the center of attention. Especially when it's bad attention. I have a pretty fun schedule I love it so far but I am not even in school yet. I have U.S. government, everyone that has taken it says its super fun so I figured I would take it. Stained glass, I love stained glass with a passion, I love that I can create something so gorgeous. Medical Anatomy & Physiology, hey its a science credit and you get to build a human out of clay, muscles, eyes, skin everything. Then Mythology and Folklore, its an English credit I love mythology, so I hope it doesn't ruin that love.

I hate that I have to leave Trace to go to school. But I am doing it for him. He is the reason I try so hard to do everything I do. I love him so very much.

day 14 — someone you’ve drifted away from

Dear Lolli :),

You were once my

best friend!! Since like age

9 when we did 4-H together

(i never told you but i gossiped

about how you would loose

points for your pink belt buckle)

lol. We were pretty crazy lol.

I loved being able to talk to you

and trust you. But over the

years we just drifted apart

(probably over the many a

fights we had). I just want

you to know that you will

always and forever be one

of my friends. I can't believe

how much things have changed

over the years. But I'm glad that I had you as a friend through them.

You are an amazing person and friend.

Love always

Lynnz

day 13 — someone you wish could forgive you

Over the past couple of months I have lost many people and said things that have hurt people (because i was hormonal and people irritated me) But I don't really need anyone or wish anyone to forgive me.

day 12 — the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

So I got a little off course with the letters so I am going to pick up from where I left off!

Dear person that has caused me a lot of pain,

You gave me so many fake promises, you got my hopes up. You broke my heart numerous times when I was younger. I loved you so much and forgave you for every little thing that you had done to me. I wish I could say that now, but you ran out chances along time ago. You are still apart of my life I wish you would try and be more involved and be there for us. But I guess if it truely was meant to be then it would but I guess not.

Love always

Lynnz